Nightly News Roundup

Tonight: ICE shoots Renee Good, calls it self-defense, and insults her on camera. Vice President Vance weaponizes tragedy while the press takes notes. Trump pitches Venezuela like a $100B timeshare, threatens Greenland, and declares himself NATO’s savior. DOJ buries Epstein files. Ramaswamy’s bodyguard runs a fentanyl warehouse. Trump accuses Petro of trafficking, Bogotá panics, Republicans mediate, cocaine wins again. America exists in a house with broken windows and people arguing if glass is real. News lies loudly. Tape keeps rolling.

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Tonight: Theo Jesterfield watches ICE kill a driver and draft the alibi, Trump get checked by his own party and melt down anyway, and the president declare himself the only law that matters. Healthcare math survives Congress. Epstein files stay buried. Gaza buries children. Federal agents shoot civilians in Portland and erase the receipt. If you feel rattled, congratulations—you’re still human. The news lies loudly. The tape keeps rolling.

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Tonight: Theo Jesterfield watches an ICE shooting turn into fan fiction, Venezuelan oil get laundered through U.S. banks, and Big Oil collect welfare with a military escort. Trump yells at defense contractors, agrees with RFK Jr. by accident, threatens Greenland like it’s a hostile takeover, and rewrites January 6 on an official government website. Markets flinch. Allies blink. Memory fights back. Strap in. Power lies loudly. The tape still rolls.

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Tonight: On the fifth anniversary of January 6th, Theo Jesterfield revisits a planned insurrection Donald Trump pointed at the Capitol on live TV. Trump eyes Greenland like a hostile acquisition, the DOJ releases less than one percent of the Epstein files and calls it transparency, the NRA sues its own charity, and Dan Bongino fights Matt Gaetz online like democracy’s unpaid intern. Congress defunds public broadcasting and calls it patriotism. Accountability hides. Memory refuses. Strap in. History doesn’t forget—no matter how hard they try.

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Tonight: Theo Jesterfield watched Donald Trump treat war like a stock tip, Congress like an inconvenience, and transparency like a rumor. Wall Street chased regime change profits, the Pentagon misplaced millions of munitions, Elon Musk automated exploitation, and the Epstein files disappeared into a mystery warehouse. Meanwhile, the flu bulldozed the country while Americans debated vaccines with vibes. Your markets juiced. Your oversight missing. Your republic wheezing. Strap in. January already poured a double.

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Tonight: Theo Jesterfield placed odds on Donald Trump’s prime-time address and liked his chances of starting a new hemisphere-sized mess. Epstein files loomed, and Ghislaine Maxwell rediscovered faith in courts. Dan Bongino ditched the FBI for the mic. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez beat JD Vance in a poll and didn’t bother to whisper it. Mike Johnson lost control of his caucus over healthcare math. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. punished pediatricians for language while kids lost care. Your republic, wobbling. Your news, weaponized.

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Tonight: Susie Wiles opens the morgue and names the monsters running the cockpit. RFK Jr. praises vaccines, then poisons the well as measles explodes. Bari Weiss promises dialogue; Nielsen hands CBS a toe tag. Trump books a mystery address just ahead of the Epstein files. Pete Hegseth hides strike footage while the body count grows. Trump sues the Pulitzer Board and discovers discovery. Kash Patel live-tweets investigations into vapor. A Parkland survivor endures another massacre. Your democracy, rattling. Your news, distilled into venom.

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Tonight: The Coast Guard hijacks a tanker, Trump shrugs “We keep it,” and the Caribbean turns into a live-fire garage sale. Peskov beams as Trump’s “civilizational erasure” rant lands like Kremlin fan mail, NATO wobbles, and Kyiv gets benched. Epstein files erupt, Noem gets sidelined for stealing screen time, citizenship becomes a paywall, Powell white-knuckles a $27T economy, and FIFA mugs America with a World Cup contract. Your news, distilled into venom.

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Tonight: Trump grades his economy “A-plus-plus-plus-plus” while half the country hunts sofa cushions for rent. Leavitt demands louder worship as workers bleed, the DOJ hands out “Deportation Judge” internships, and Congress weaponizes the NDAA to pry loose Pentagon’s “double tap” video. Preventable child deaths climb for the first time in 25 years, Boston immigrants are yanked mid-oath, and the Ellisons want Paramount, HBO, CNN, and DC Studios. Chaos, cruelty, and corporate singularity—your news, served bitter.

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🎧 “Batshit Minority Broadcast (High-Voltage Panic Mix)”

A frenetic, jet-fueled playlist for a nation ricocheting between propaganda, price spikes, and constitutional cosplay. Tracks include:

Perfect for doomscrolling at unsafe speeds while America insists everything is “under control.”

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A grimy, high-tempo soundtrack for a country sprinting through legal fantasies and foreign-policy delusions. Tracks include “Missiles Mandatory,” “Almost Peace (Timeshare Edit),” “Death Cult Chorus,” “Wordle Immigration Law,” and the explosive closer “Salmon Brisket Pipeline Blues.” Perfect for doomscrolling your way through another day in the American Funhouse.

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🎧 “Authoritarianism for Dummies (feat. The Ketamine Kid)”

A chaotic mix of malfunctioning institutions, collapsing agencies, and grifts wrapped in red, white, and blue. Tracks include “Prosecution by Vibes,” “Berserker with Wi-Fi,” “Farm-to-Table Incompetence,” and the chart-topping scam single “MAGA Phone (Remix – Stolen Samsung Edit).” Perfect for doomscrolling through another day in the Upside-Down Republic.

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David Richardson missed Texas drowning, Comey’s case fell apart, and Charlotte got a paramilitary panic parade. Trump rasped through a reversal on Epstein files while Marjorie Taylor Greene survived death threats, doxx-pizza, and a new nickname: “Traitor Brown.” The EPA turns wetlands into a corporate toilet, and the Treasury blames migrant cows for high beef prices.

I’m Theo Jesterfield—reporting live from the fever dream formerly known as the United States.

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Epstein’s inbox coughed up judgment day, Trump’s team is sweating in the Situation Room, and Lauren Boebert just turned national security into open mic night. The economy’s missing in action, Starbucks is on strike, and the government’s staggering back to life like a drunk zombie.

I’m Theo Jesterfield—reporting live from the fever dream formerly known as the United States.

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Epstein’s ghost is leaking receipts, Trump’s press secretary is a malfunctioning hologram, and Speaker Johnson’s guarding the vault of the damned. The FBI’s on tour, ICE reenacted fascism in Chicago, and Trump’s printing welfare checks from the land of make-believe. Meanwhile, Democrats traded healthcare for promises.

I’m Theo Jesterfield—reporting live from the echo chamber of a dying empire.

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Fifty-one days without a government; the fix is less healthcare. The Navy eyes Venezuela’s oil under the guise of “freedom.” Trump sells indulgences to donors and wages war on a mall that doesn’t exist. His AI revolts, the DOJ rots, and the FAA begs for gas money. Veterans still waiting on that back pay from 1783.

I’m Theo Jesterfield—reporting from a malfunctioning republic with a hangover and a mic.

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Senate finally reopens the government; Rand Paul enraged, Schumer stabbed by his own. Air traffic controllers unpaid, yelled at for patriotism. Trump proposes 50-year mortgages so you die before owning a house. DOJ bleeding lawyers like the last chopper out. Maxwell courts a pardon from a prison resort. Kim Davis denied again. The Federalist calls Trump rudderless.

I’m Theo Jesterfield—reporting from a whiskey-soaked democracy on life support.

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Election bloodbath: Democrats wipe the GOP off the map. Trump calls it “the golden age,” economists call it “creative fiction.” FAA grounds 10% of flights because the government’s too broke to fly. The Supreme Court rediscovers limits, Roberts remembers math, Kavanaugh remembers Nixon. Trump’s rookie prosecutor faceplants in federal court. The republic coughs, but keeps breathing.

I’m Theo Jesterfield—reporting from a whiskey-soaked democracy on life support.

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New York chews its own teeth; rats poll higher than politicians. Virginia shatters glass ceilings. Sandwich Wars ended with mustard trauma. Cheney outlived his conscience. UPS planes crash, gravity unionizes, and the government holds SNAP hostage. Trump threatens Nigeria; Fox invents citizens. Trump Burger dead, Empire Pizza rises. Crypto pardons, morality auctioned.

I’m Theo Jesterfield—broadcasting from a basement bunker, and the headlines scream.

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SNAP benefits cut in half—Trump calls hunger “budget innovation.” Inflation is “perfect” while beef costs more than rent. Kash Patel takes a $60 million FBI jet on a date. MAGA tears itself apart as Tucker, Shapiro, and Cruz feud over morality and ratings. Air traffic controllers go unpaid while planes stack up. Trump hides at Mar-a-Lago, fretting over midterms. Billionaires soar $700 billion richer while the rest of America scrapes crumbs.

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Debt hits $38 trillion. Arctic Refuge becomes Chevron’s gift shop. East Wing demolished for gold-plated ego. Inflation gnaws paychecks; tariffs punch wallets. Pentagon press corps now pillow peddlers and conspiracy bloggers. VA tried to stall veterans’ benefits—nine judges slapped that nonsense down. NBA stars accused of mob poker.

Theo Jesterfield—broadcasting from a crater in Alaska. The headlines are screaming, and the Republic is burning.

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Trump sues the DOJ for investigating him... while running it. The military’s blowing up fishermen for “freedom.” Congress lets kids starve while ICE hires ex-cons. Cyberdefense gets gutted as China hacks our power grid. Indiana forgets how to gerrymander, and health insurance costs as much as a new car.

I’m Theo Jesterfield—broadcasting from the smoking servers of Fort Meade. The lights are flickering, the headlines are hallucinating, and the Republic’s running on fumes.

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U.S. fires Hellfires into the Caribbean, repatriates survivors like bad Amazon returns. Pardoned rioter threatens to kill Hakeem Jeffries. Air traffic controllers moonlight for DoorDash. Kristi Noem buys $172M Gulfstreams for “safety.” Trump cancels Ukraine missiles, flirts with Putin, and guided-missiles for deportations.

Theo Jesterfield here—reporting live from America’s last nerve. The headlines are drunk, the government’s armed, and I’m running on bourbon and bad decisions.

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Trump skipped No Kings Day; five million marched while House Republicans called it a “hate rally.” AI Trump dropped feces on Americans. Ninth Circuit says federalize Oregon’s Guard. East Wing demo = 90,000 sq ft of ego and gold drapes. ICE tear-gassed peaceful protesters anyway. AWS hiccup = Fortnite, McNuggets, Medicare offline. Fox + First Family SPAC = exceptional corruption. Louvre heist: Napoleonic jewels, construction vests, ladders, Thomas Crown vibes.

Theo Jesterfield reporting from the fever dream of America—where spray tan is policy, shutdowns are patriotic, and the truth just filed for bankruptcy.

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Trump told Ukraine and Russia: “both declare victory.” Congress took a nap while 80% of nuclear guards went home. John Bolton mailed secrets like a moody teenager. No Kings Day turned streets into a republic-themed obstacle course. George Santos got a hall pass. Young Republicans praised Hitler. Trump bombed boats in Venezuela.

Theo Jesterfield reporting from the fever dream of America—where shutdowns are patriotic, lies are luxury, and the truth just filed for bankruptcy.

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Tonight on NNR:

The Senate plays Russian roulette with your rent money. Hackers turn America’s firewall into wet tissue. Gaza’s ceasefire leaks blood. Trump plans a bromance summit with Putin in Budapest. ICE pretends it can’t find its cameras. The White House goes full casino chic. And the Pentagon locks the press outside the gates.

Theo Jesterfield reporting live from the republic’s fever dream — where shutdowns are patriotic, lies are luxury, and the truth’s been replaced by a 3D model of Trump’s ego.

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Tonight on NNR: The Supreme Court debates whether fixing racism is racist. Netanyahu tours his own fire damage. Trump calls Argentina’s bailout “credit.” ICE raids L.A. like it’s a war zone. Alaska drowns under silence. Congresswoman Luna gets her JFK files from Moscow. And the CIA holds a press conference about its secret mission.

Theo Jesterfield reporting from the madhouse of empire — where “covert,” “colorblind,” and “constitutional” all mean the same damn thing.

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Tonight on NNR: Every major network unites to tell the Pentagon to shove it — and even Fox defends the First Amendment. Troop families go broke while the brass buys yachts. The shutdown rots. Tariffs burn. Alex Jones implodes. Trump’s “peace” becomes rubble. And the GOP finally builds the gun registry they swore Biden would.

Theo Jesterfield, transmitting from the radioactive echo chamber of empire.

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Tonight on NNR: Egypt hosts a peace plan with no peace. Trump signs air, calls it diplomacy. Tariffs gut your wallet while Mike Johnson vacations on your dime. Portland protests turn into performance art. Texas and North Carolina gerrymander democracy into extinction. Measles returns for its reunion tour. Columbus gets canceled — again.

Theo Jesterfield, broadcasting from the contaminated center of empire.

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Tonight on NNR: Trump’s Nobel dreams die, Big Macs fly, democracy medals dodge bullets. DOJ drags George Soros into court for no reason. Qatar parks F-15s in Idaho, Trump gets a luxury Boeing. RFK Jr. thinks circumcision + Tylenol = autism. Dominion becomes Liberty Vote; democracy is for sale. John Bolton indicted by Trump’s DOJ — personal vendetta buffet continues. The dollar bleeds 11%, tariffs squeeze, foreign investors hedge like rats.

Theo Jesterfield reporting from the center of the world’s worst group project.

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Tonight on NNR: Trump tries to roll tanks into Chicago; DHS confused, National Guard clueless. Air traffic snarls, federal workers unpaid, Duffy blames “problem children.” Government shutdown Day Eight: Democrats smell blood, Republicans screech, Obamacare twitches. Emergency Medicaid cuts for undocumented immigrants = 0.4% of spending. Kristi Noem arrests ghosts; Trump takes freedom of speech away. Texas gerrymanders meet AutoCAD Jim Crow.

Theo Jesterfield reporting from the center of the world’s worst group project.

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Tonight on NNR: Trump wants troops on U.S. streets; Border Patrol pumps bullets, bureaucracy calls it “oops.” Government shutdown drags on — Senate’s a daycare, soldiers unpaid, Mike Johnson clutches Twinkies. Dead man’s daughter blocked from her seat. Trump takes credit for “peace in Gaza.” Comey pleads not guilty; justice is now revenge-flavored. Marjorie Taylor Greene discovers checks and balances.

Theo Jesterfield reporting from the bourbon-soaked intersection of collapse and comedy.

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Tonight on NNR: Government shutdown, week whatever — Trump dangles paychecks like bait. Farmers go bankrupt owning the Chinese, Pam Bondi auditions for Bravo in the Senate, and Treasury’s minting a Trump coin because apparently Caesar needed merch. Health insurance hikes nine percent; illness remains America’s best investment strategy. Trump flirts with Canada, and Stephen Miller explains “plenary authority,” meaning “dictatorship, but make it legal.”

Theo Jesterfield reporting from the bourbon-soaked intersection of collapse and comedy.

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Tonight on NNR: Shutdown Week Two. Congress argues over nothing while Rand Paul maintains brand consistency. Federal workers run the skies broke, caffeinated, and praying. Foreclosures up 18%—mortgages as indentured servitude. Trump floats a Maxwell pardon; denies visiting Epstein’s island. National Guard to Chicago—judge says “maybe don’t,” Trump says “already did.” Paramount swallows The Free Press; Bari Weiss = new prophet of monetized journalism. CIA deputy Ellis fires the top lawyer and appoints… himself. Ethics optional.

Theo Jesterfield reporting from the bourbon-soaked Venn Diagram of oligarchs, banks, and national security theater.

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Tonight on NNR: Shutdown Day Three. Congress fails four times, toddlers torch the Capitol and get paychecks. Diddy gets 50 months for a decade of abuse—justice for the rich, prison for the poor. Supreme Court hands Trump a deportation chainsaw—300,000 Venezuelans marked for exile. Trump claws at the 14th Amendment. RFK Jr. fires the nation’s top immunologist, science traded for corpse counts. In Gaza: hostages, smoke, and Trump’s “LAST CHANCE PEACE.” Speaker Johnson stalls Adelita Grijalva’s swearing-in to keep Epstein’s billionaire fuck-monster files locked away.

Theo Jesterfield reporting from the bourbon-soaked at the Venn Diagram...

Tonight on NNR: Shutdown Day Two. Senators fast while Americans starve. Trump slashes the budget like a jealous ex. Navy declares war on coke boats; Venezuela becomes a battlefield. Congress gets postcards: “We’re at war now, love Don.” Justice Department purged over tweets. Prosecutors executed. Trump’s lapdog lawyer runs the show. South Shore Chicago: helicopters, chainsaws, children zip-tied, some naked, shoved into U-Hauls. ICE laughs. Farmers starve while USDA runs “essential” programs. Trump blames Democrats, debt grows faster than reason. Book bans rage across Florida, Texas, Tennessee. Algebra: fine. Race, LGBTQ+, sexual identity: banned. Federal government as literary exe...

Tonight on NNR: The lights flicker, fuses hiss, and the government shuts down. HUD blames the “Radical Left.” Trump torches $8B in climate projects. Hudson Tunnel review stops. Workers starve, tunnels rot, trains cough blood. Trump swings an axe at the Fed. Lisa Cook refuses to goose rates. Markets teeter. Independence dies. Domestic violence shelters lose funding because they mention diversity. Jane Goodall shows empathy, intelligence, and community while Congress flails. Bourbon-soaked headlines from the edge of empire. Theo Jesterfield, live from the bonfire.

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Tonight on NNR: Trump wants generals to war-game Detroit while Hegseth purges haircuts and women alike. Mike Johnson calls healthcare a December hobby. Pfizer kneels to Trump in a pharma shakedown. Kari Lake tries to Goebbels Voice of America. Hurricanes Imelda and Humberto turn the East Coast into a wet weekend retreat. Kristi Noem and Rubio forget the First Amendment exists. And Trump, Netanyahu, and Tony Blair unveil their Gaza plan: rubble with branding.

💥 Bourbon-soaked headlines from the edge of empire. Theo Jesterfield, broadcasting live from the bonfire.

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Tonight on NNR: Congress turns grandma’s pension into a hostage note. Supreme Court eyes Ghislaine Maxwell’s freedom papers. A church massacre gets the “not terrorism” stamp. QAnon Shaman sues the planet. Coal barons torch the future with a government check.

💥 Bourbon-soaked headlines from the edge of empire. Theo Jesterfield reporting live from the apocalypse—no refunds, no anesthesia.

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Tonight: The apocalypse canceled for polling reasons. Constitution-defending prosecutors get shredded. Gaza burns while diplomats vanish. Congress prints checks, Supreme Court sets them ablaze. Heart meds double, sofas triple, factories die. Billionaires deny islands of doom.

💥 All the chaos, gallows humor, and political absurdity you can stomach. Theo Jesterfield reporting live from the end of the world—bourbon optional, despair required.

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OMB threatens your job, FBI livestreams murder like interactive theater, Comey hangs on Trump’s wall, Alligator Alcatraz vanishes hundreds, Pentagon plays laser-tag with generals, voter rolls prepped for purges, and Trump whispers “no annexation” while Gaza burns.

🔊 Reality bites, laughs, and curses at the moon. Tune in.

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ICE cries about “rhetoric,” Trump nukes watchdog laws with a wink, and the DOJ duct-tapes justice to a golf cart for a midnight joyride. Zelenskyy gets war crimes; Trump gets Risk strategies. Epstein files close in, lobbyists sweat bullets, and Congress plays whack-a-mole with reality.

🔊 News that punches, drinks, and curses at the moon.

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Tonight: Trump the “solution” while the world burns, RaptureTok preps for sky evacuation, Florida breeds assassination supervillains, and the Supreme Court gifts presidents a “fire anyone” button. Government shutdown? Coming soon. Heat? Sold separately.

💥 All the chaos, absurdity, and apocalyptic political theater you need—100% sarcasm, 0% credibility. Plug in, buckle up, and enjoy the carnage. Theo Jesterfield reporting from the barbecue pit at the end of the world.

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Tonight: Tylenol and autism conspiracies, Grindr-mourning GOP mobs, and a border czar pocketing $50K faster than hair dye runs in a Texas windstorm.

We’ll discuss hunger reports getting deleted, prosecutors fired like cheap strippers, Jimmy Kimmel’s FCC-induced exile and triumphant return, and Congress sprinting away while the nation teeters toward a shutdown.

💥 All the chaos, absurdity, and apocalyptic political theater you need—100% sarcasm, 0% credibility. Plug in, buckle up, and enjoy the carnage.

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The Fed hacks the economy with garden shears, Epstein’s ghost DJs over Windsor Castle, and Kash Patel plays human Twister while Congress screams for files that never seem to surface. Charlie Kirk gets a bullet; Stephen Miller promises holy vengeance; and the DOJ deletes decades of right-wing terror data like it’s a browser history. Facts, gaslighted. Blood-soaked receipts. Welcome to America, 2025.

🔊 Tune in for your dose of reality, absurdity, and the kind of reporting that makes you ask: how is this still happening?

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Tonight: Luigi bills UnitedHealthcare in bullets, the U.N. confirms genocide like it’s a weather report, Kash Patel live-blogs FBI work like an unpaid intern, Trump sues the Times for fifteen billion imaginary dollars, and a Pentagon retiree hands Moscow jet secrets before the FBI catfishes him with a fake KGB account, and so long Bob Redford. Theo Jesterfield reporting from the flaming carnival.

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Tonight: America blows everything up, farmers drown in IOUs, Kirk becomes podcast theater, TikTok survives Trump/Xi chaos, Rubio cheers Israel, Fed chaos reigns, and Crawford climbs two weight classes to show God hates gamblers. Apocalypse, tariffs, and slow-motion punches – Theo Jesterfield with a message from the wreckage. 

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Tonight: Utah cops play whack-a-lunatic, Trump narrates chaos on morning TV. Peter Mandelson vacations with Epstein, then gets fired after the tabloids freak. Tariffs hike coffee prices 21%. EPA protects polluters instead of the planet. National Guard rolls into Memphis, DC gets broomed. FDA kills transparency. 9/11 health funding bleeds out. America’s nightmare continues - Theo Jesterfield reports.

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Tonight: Inflation climbs, jobs crumble, and the Fed preps its economic murder-suicide. Russian drones play bumper cars over NATO turf. Epstein secrets stay sealed while the Senate pretends democracy’s fine. Racist cowards terrorize Black colleges. Another school shooting, another round of empty prayers. 9/11 memorials roll on while the same bastards who weaponized it ask us to “never forget.” America’s bleeding out, folks.

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Tonight: Charlie Kirk finds out bullets don’t care about your politics. Another school shooting, another round of thoughts and prayers on autopilot. Russian drones play nuclear hide-and-seek over Poland. Trump turns the FBI into his personal fear factory. Schumer dares Republicans to pick troops over Epstein secrets. New Mexico funds free child care with oil money while other states hoard tax cuts like raccoons in a dumpster. Kids can’t read, politicians can’t govern, and federal agents arrest firefighters mid-blaze. It’s America in 4D - dumb, deadly, dystopian, and definitely on fire.

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Tonight: Israel lights the peace process on fire like a drunk pyromaniac at a marriage counseling session. Iran lets the U.N. in to count corpses in the fallout. Very cooperative, very transparent. Gregory “Pancho Villa in a Golf Cart” Bovino goose-steps into Chicago with a soundtrack Willie Nelson never approved. ICE tears up the paperwork, decides civil rights are for losers. Trump’s tariffs choke the economy while automation sharpens its knives. Oh, and the president allegedly sent Epstein a porno birthday card before calling it a “dead issue.” Democracy dies, but the punchlines keep coming.

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SCOTUS kidnaps you for Spanish coffee, Trump owes $83M, GOP spins Epstein faster than a carnival ride, CMS uses robot bounty hunters, assassin wants trial by mini-golf, NFL heartbreak continues, and Trump gets booed at the U.S. Open. Theo Jesterfield here, pouring chaos, money, and American absurdity straight into your ears.

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The CDCaeser Bobby Kennedy Jr. gets his ass kicked , the Epstein cover-up continues, Adams trading NYC Mayor’s office for swamp condos, the economy is flatlining, Texas turns doorbells into war crimes, Big Pharma is dosing LSD, and NFL kicks off while democracy circles the drain. Theo Jesterfield here, pouring you another shot of America’s finest chaos - money, power, and total lunacy.

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Epstein victims demand names, Trump hoax patrols, FBI hides files. RFK Jr. crowned, HHS revolts. Newsmax sues Fox, drunk raccoons. Pentagon lawyers crash-course immigration law. Harvard body-slams Trump. 1798 law fails modern migrants. DeSantis makes vaccines optional, herd immunity optional. Clippers dodge salary cap. Fantasy football consumes offices, homes, marriages. Theo Jesterfield here, spitting battery acid.

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Trump tries to Uber Marines into L.A., gets smacked by Posse Comitatus. National Guard tour hits Chicago and Baltimore. DOE hires fossil fuel stooges to claim CO₂ is kale. CDC bleeds leaders, Monarez out, RFK Jr. “restructures.” Government heads for Sept. 30 shutdown, Epstein files rot. Rudy wins Medal of Freedom. Proud Boys sue each other. Space Command lands in Alabama. Theo Jesterfield here, from the Bureau of Bad Ideas.

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Minnesota mourns kids shot in the pews while politicians wave flags. DOJ fails to make a felony out of a footlong. Immigration becomes Deportation 2: The Uganda Cut. Trump’s cronies whisper coups in Greenland. NORAD scrambles jets to babysit Russian cloud-watchers. RFK Jr. limits Covid shots to senior citizens. And the CDC fires its new director after 30 days. Theo Jesterfield here, reporting from the Bureau of Bad Ideas. 

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The government dumps your Social Security numbers online. Trump’s DOJ tries suing judges for judging. Israel bombs a hospital, calls it a camera strike. Florida’s swamp prison keeps running despite court orders. Texas gerrymanders Black voters out of the map. Trump waterboards the Federal Reserve. And Kash Patel turns the FBI into QAnon Theater. Theo Jesterfield here, filing dispatches from the three-ring circus of government: money, power, and bullshit.

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Israel calls a hospital strike a “mishap.” Trump sends the National Guard to play mall cops in D.C. First U.S. screwworm case proves maggots are more straightforward than our politicians. Trump flirts with Kim while South Korea watches in hostage silence. Epstein’s ghost gets subpoenaed. Cashless bail dies, flag-burning goes federal. Trump says “dictator” out loud. Wind farms scrapped to save his golf view. Theo Jesterfield, signing off from America’s scrapyard.

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Bolton raided like spoiled leftovers. Trump day-trading America’s future with a $100M bond hustle. PragerU bribes its way into kids’ classrooms, Big Bird gets whacked. Smithsonian purged for “woke” facts. Fort Bliss resurrects internment camp chic. Del Monte, LifeScan, and Genesis file for hospice. America’s economy is a funeral procession, but Wall Street’s still dancing. Theo Jesterfield reporting from under the national coffin lid.

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Trump’s fraud gets a markdown: skyscrapers are cheaper than cough syrup. NIH loses 1,700 grants because DEI means “Don’t Employ Ideas.” Jersey’s top cop? Just a mall lawyer in heels. ICE threatens Boston, Wu says “fuck off.” FBI becomes UberCop Academy. Russia bombs coffee machines and kids. Cracker Barrel ghosts its racist mascot, Wall Street cries. Until next time, I’ll be huffing glue fumes for insight. Theo Jesterfield reporting from inside America’s clown car.

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Epstein’s DOJ crumbs, 100,000 pages still sealed. Tulsi Gabbard turns intelligence into Microsoft Word for espionage. Israel rolls out “Gideon’s Chariots II” — Gaza as straight-to-DVD war. Texas gerrymanders democracy into a hostage trunk. Hurricane Erin toys with Cat 5 power. U.S. destroyers play narco-Shakespeare off Venezuela. Texas judge says no to Moses in homeroom. Until next time, I’ll be convincing myself to stop sniffing glue. Theo Jesterfield reporting.

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Ukraine peace talks look like a peyote séance in a burning casino — Trump babbles, Putin grins, Zelensky spends billions, Europe mutters peacekeepers, America offers air cover but no boots. Trump wants a halo at Costco. Colleges pay tribute to the Orange Godfather. Epstein files redacted. Security clearances yanked. Deportation policy becomes a global hot potato. Until next time, I’ll be doubling down on 11 and Xanax. Theo Jesterfield reporting.

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Zelensky shows up at the White House in a suit, Europe in tow, Trump grinning like a kid eyeing a Happy Meal Nobel. Hours earlier, 14 civilians dead in Ukraine—rockets meet roses, rubble meets reality. Wages still drowning, CEOs toast from yachts. Newsmax pays $67M for lies, Epstein’s death still under Barr’s CSI spotlight, and Hurricane Erin redecorates Puerto Rico. Republicans flee, files in tow, shame waiting.

That’s all the news that’s fit to confuse. Another day in the American madhouse, keep your seatbelt fastened. Theo Jesterfield reporting.

Hos...

The Vice President Vladimir Futon tried to book a table at a cozy Michelin-rated English pub — staff basically said, “Sure, if you want us to not show up for work.” Locals put up “Fascists Not Welcome” signs, making it clear he’s about as popular there as French soccer. Kamala? No problem. Vance? Road closures and rage.

That’s all the news that’s fit to confuse. Another day in the American madhouse, keep your seatbelt fastened. For Nightly News Roundup, I’m Theo Jesterfield.

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Trump’s got Scrooge McDuck money privileges, Putin got a ceasefire threat that might just be a meme, and the Treasury Secretary’s still clinging to his stocks like a bad Tinder match. Congress is cosplaying as the Epstein Truth Squad, the VA is bleeding staff, Kristi Noem is beefing with South Park, Ivanka’s booking UFC on the White House lawn, and Detroit seniors are solving love triangles with live ammo.

Theo Jesterfield here, wading through cash vaults, cage fights, and bingo shootouts - all in a day’s work for America’s slow, stupid descent.<...

Tonight: Russia’s hacking America’s sealed court files while Trump preps for a Putin cuddle; Trump’s new BLS pick wants to kill the monthly jobs report; Florida’s schools turned into DeSantis’ propaganda playground; and Trump’s State Department wipes two-thirds of human rights abuses from its reports. Plus, ICE agents in masks are making it easier for rapists to impersonate them. I’m Theo Jesterfield, reporting from the bunker with enough vodka to kill half of Moscow.

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Trump’s turning D.C. into The Purge despite a 30-year crime low, dumping troops, and handing Pam Bondi the keys to chaos. Meanwhile, FBI brags murder rates are historic lows. Florida’s “pet food” milk sickens kids. An anti-vax shooter hits the CDC. EPA guts climate rules. SCOTUS flirts with undoing gay marriage. Epstein files? Big nothing burger. Theo Jesterfield reporting from the 10th Circle of hell.

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Trump ghosted labor unions at the VA while RFK Jr. lit pandemic funding on fire because his third eye said “no thanks.” Utah legalized “oops-my-nephew’s-a-predator” justice, and Trump thinks world peace means locking Zelensky and Putin in a room like it’s the WWE. An Army base imploded, Trump threw a trade tantrum at India, and Florida’s building immigrant jails in the middle of the Everglades like Mother Nature ain’t got lawyers.

Theo Jesterfield reporting from the swamp—literal and political.

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Congress is jerking off to the Epstein files, New York just got defunded on terror protection, and California’s drawing maps with the subtlety of a prison riot. The FDA says “good luck not dying” while outsourcing food safety to states running on bake sale budgets. Trump’s resurrecting racist statues and calling it beautification, wildfires are roasting the continent like a cheap brisket, and a Nebraska town hall just turned into a mosh pit over Medicaid cuts.

Theo Jesterfield here, coughing through the smoke, dodging subpoenas, and watching democracy collapse under PowerPoint slides and Confederate cosplay...

Russia’s waving nukes around again, Trump wants $15K per tourist, and Sean Duffy is strapping a nuclear reactor to the moon. Texas Republicans are hunting Democrats across state lines like cartoon bounty hunters. Pam Bondi's resurrecting the Mueller probe with all the precision of a chainsaw in a dollhouse. Trump’s tax cuts just lit the deficit on fire, a dildo flew across a WNBA court, and Bristol Motor Speedway served 91,000 baseball fans no food and even less beer.

Theo Jesterfield reporting from the scene—where the missiles are back, the food is gone, and democr...

The Smithsonian scrubbed Trump from its impeachment exhibit. The Trump Administration opens up your private medical records like an all-you-can-eat buffet. Trump also fired the head of the Bureau of Labor Statistics because reality bruised his ego. He also deployed two nuclear submarines over a Russian tweet, public broadcasting is gutted, NPR gets silenced, and Big Bird gets executed by budget cuts. Ghislaine Maxwell, child sex trafficker and Epstein’s fixer, gets upgraded to prison summer camp after a cozy chat with Trump’s DOJ pals. Meanwhile, mutant radioactive wasps invade a South Carolina nuke site, and a man in Buff...

Trade war threats, taxpayer-funded ballrooms, and CEOs dropping like flies — just another week in America’s flaming clown car. Trump’s wrecking ethics with a golf club, Musk’s lighting democracy on fire with Super PAC cash, and Brett Kavanaugh’s turning the Supreme Court into a secret menu for fascism. Meanwhile, Kyiv burns, ICE offers loan forgiveness to deport families, and the media memory-holes a CEO assassination so no one gets any ideas. Subscribe, rage responsibly, and pour a drink. Theo Jesterfield hosts from the smoldering wreckage.

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Russia shakes, the Fed freezes, and Texas slices up democracy like brisket. Gaza’s starving and Trump’s sending a condo guy. Plus: a human Molotov cocktail in Virginia, a baby savings account scam, and Ozzy gets a hearse parade while Hulk Hogan gets ghosted. Strap in. Reality’s on fire.

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The EPA’s being gutted at a truck dealership, Marjorie Taylor Greene said something true, Trump is Yelp-reviewing sex trafficking victims, and a gunman turned the NFL’s HQ into a warzone. Plus: biblical porn, cocaine math, and why CBS now answers to Newsmax. Welcome to America’s moral collapse, broadcast live, with theme music.

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A federal judge torpedoes Trump’s attempt to defund Planned Parenthood, Trump threatens Putin with peace and tariffs in the same breath, the Pentagon slips into full-on group chat meltdown as Pete Hegseth’s D-list paranoia infects national security. Ghislaine Maxwell begs the Supreme Court for mercy with nothing but vibes, audacity, and Epstein’s greasy afterimage. RFK Jr. calls cancer screenings “woke,” meanwhile, Trump sues Rupert Murdoch over a birthday doodle, Caitlin Clark’s stalker gets 18 months in a padded timeout, and WWE leg-drops dignity with a final, complicated goodbye to Hulk Hogan.

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Trump ghosts his way through Scotland, the DoJ keeps dancing around Ghislaine, and South Park drops $1.5B worth of hellfire, all while America’s IQ test gets harder and its moral test gets easier to fail. From golf-course photo ops to visa vendettas, this week’s Nightly News Roundup is a flaming clown car driven by a raccoon with a checkbook. Hosted by Theo Jesterfield from deep beneath the rubble of American credibility.

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The orange circus crashes the Fed, the Epstein files detonate, and Chuck Mangione exits stage left with his flugelhorn blazing. Trump hijacks headlines with a surprise stunt at the Federal Reserve while the DOJ fumbles accountability like a greased football on fire. Meanwhile, Jacob "QAnon Shaman" Chansley turns on Trump in a glorious poetry slam of betrayal, Gaza peace talks collapse in typical U.S. fashion, and Ghislaine Maxwell somehow survives another day under federal questioning. It's chaos, it's comedy, it's your Nightly News Roundup - where truth meets tequila and the apocalypse comes with a laugh track.

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Trump’s name pops up in the Epstein files, the DOJ won’t release the goods, and Congress wants it all anyway. The White House yells “fake news” but can’t find the off switch. Meanwhile, Trump invents a trade deal with Japan, the EU threatens to nuke our bourbon, and the new AI plan looks like Skynet with a flag. Tesla crashes, lobbyists sweat, and somewhere in Washington, someone definitely shit themselves.

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Trump’s yelling treason, the EPA’s axing science, and Mike Johnson ran from the Epstein files like they were on fire. NOAA’s losing weather balloons, the Wall Street Journal got booted from the White House, and Obama’s officially had enough of this nonsense. It’s Tuesday tantrum time with Theo Jesterfield on Nightly News Roundup, the podcast for people who love to hate the news and hate to love it. Listen now before NOAA loses the forecast for your soul.

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Trump posts a fake Obama arrest video, attacks Adam Schiff (again), drags Samantha Power into his nonsense, and demands we bring back the Redskins name — all while dodging Epstein questions. Speaker Johnson folds like a lawn chair. DeSantis blames “media bias” for flopping in Iowa. RFK Jr. links vaccines to climate change because tinfoil isn’t just for hats anymore. Elon Musk casually admits fraud. Clarence Thomas forgets to report another billionaire-funded vacation.

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FBI agents flagged Epstein-Trump files like biohazard warnings, DOJ cracks open grand jury records on Trump’s orders, and Paramount sacrifices Colbert to keep FCC regulators off their backs. Plus: Congress axes PBS, Trump signs crypto into law, pollution is back on the menu, protesters hit the streets, and Trump launches a nuclear-grade hissy fit at the Murdoch family after The Wall Street Journal hurts his feelings.

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Trump dodges Epstein accountability, DOJ raids voter files, mass “Good Trouble” marches hit the nation, and a clean-energy power grab forces windmills into royal approval. All this with Theo Jesterfield’s signature offensive cynicism.

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Texas floods kill over 130—but GOP priorities? Redrawing maps, banning bathrooms, and gutting climate science. Trump toys with firing the Fed chair while markets spiral. Inflation climbs. NOAA’s climate forecasts? Axed. America’s drowning in more than water.

The NNR: The contempt you need, delivered nightly.

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Obama scolds Democrats, Congress buries Epstein’s secrets, NYC subway becomes Atlantis, Cal Raleigh hits bombs, Republicans declare war on woke (again), the DoD is going to use Musk's Hitler-infatuated AI, and Wall Street fears climate change might hurt the real victims: profits.

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Trump hijacks a soccer trophy and calls it a win for America, Texas braces for more floods while infrastructure remains theoretical, and tariffs slam into Mexico and the EU because revenge is the only currency left. Russia blames us for Ukraine’s latest attack, China finally admits it’s backing Putin, and protesters flood Trump Tower to remind everyone that ICE raids and anti-LGBTQ+ policies didn’t go out of style, just underground.

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Trump blames dead Texans on inquisitive reporters, Canada gets slapped with economic maple spankings, and the State Department gets the guillotine. Also: America keeps shipping guns like it’s Amazon Prime Day for proxy wars. And Gallup says we finally like immigrants now. Weird. It’s NNR — your Friday fix of feral satire, constitutional hangovers, and the faint smell of burning democracy.

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Trump’s birthright order gets blocked, veterans are shooting at weather radar, and Netanyahu wants to give Trump a Nobel Peace Prize. Meanwhile, $80M in refunds vanish into bank vaults, the FBI's strapping agents to loyalty polygraphs, and Elon Musk founds his own political party with AI tanks and birthrate mandates. Plus: Brazil gets tariffed, the USDA kills equity, and America slides further into parody.

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Flies from the sky, measles in the streets, and a chatbot goes Nazi: just another Wednesday in the terminal phase of empire.

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Today on NNR: Grapes of Wrath, weaponized weather, and your government’s new foot fetish.

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Epstein’s phantom list remains exactly that. Texas floods thanks to ghost infrastructure. The Hague sets sail for climate reckoning. Tariffs are the new national sport. America drills more but pretends less.

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ICE agents pissed all over an elementary school parking lot, cities around the country are cancelling 4th of July events due to "safety concerns," Marines are deploying to Florida, and the Supreme Court says "bow down to the executive, bitches."

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ICE has decided the best way to celebrate independence is to round up brown people, Trump and his clowns passed a piece of legislation that will add trillions to the deficit at the low, low cost of American lives, and U.S. District Judge Randolph Moss just blocked Trump’s asylum ban... for now.

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President Trump admitted he had no idea what's in the Big Bucket of Bullshit Bill but he did try to hawk cologne and perfume. Eau du Scandal! The U.S. lost 33,000 jobs in June, Tesla posted its worst quarter ever, and an app that allows users to pinpoint ICE agents' location hit number one.

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Enter Alligator Alcatraz! “We’re all going to die anyway,” - Republican Sen. Joni Ernst 

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Trump wants to reach out and touch the CEO of AT&T, then he saw his approval ratings plummet to the lowest of all time. The Big, Fucked Up Bill is going to keep taxes on tips, overtime, and Social Security, just like people who can read told us would happen.

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The Supreme Court ruled today that federal courts might not have a say in federal actions, dissidents are clowning ICE, Gov. Newsom sues Fox News for $787 million, and massive protests are ready to go all over the country this weekend.

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Whiskey Leaks went off a (checks notes) Fox News reporter for daring to ask a valid question, the Big Beautiful Bill is rapidly becoming a giant fucking failure, cocaine use and production is at an all-time high, and Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard has been frozen out of intelligence briefings.

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Trump exploded like a SpaceX craft over a CNN report, MAGA is raging over the NYC mayoral democratic primary, heroin health secretary RFK Jr., wants everyone to wear a health tracker, and the White House plans to limit sharing information with Congress as required by law.

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President Trump placed the world on high alert for World War III in an attempt to win a  Nobel Peace Prize. He staged an attack, demanded an end to the attacks, announced a peace treaty, and received a nomination for the award.

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It's Monday Mayhem! We've got conflicting reports about Iran contacting the U.S. and Qatar before their attacks, our Secretary of Defense is on the sidelines during major military operations, warnings abound about retaliatory strikes, and NNR sides with MTG for once.

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